les echo mucho de menos

I heard a meditation teacher once saying, "When confused, be in the complete experience of confusion." I found this to be very useful and I try to practice it with every intense emotion that I come across with. Right now, I am in the complete experience of missing people who I can really talk to. So, after this, I will be closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and I will be trying to be in the complete experience of missing these people. And I wish (and it's fine if doesn't happen) that these people would feel how much I miss them too.

a letter

My dearest child, 

On this Mother's Day I write to you, my other gift to come. I know like all things that I ask for, the universe is making me wait because I am still half-baked. However, when the day comes, that you are entrusted to my care, it will be one of the greatest days of my life. I can picture you now, in my arms, so fragile and soft yet so full of potential. You are a miracle manifested and you will be a wonderful human being.

So, on this day, I write to you my child , all that I promise to do when you come. I promise my darling, to teach you how to use your eyes so that you will be constantly be amazed with the world. There is a deeper understanding involved in truly seeing. I will teach how to open your eyes to see beauty and wonder and you will be our future's hope. I will  also teach you how to see beauty through your ears. You will then realize that the world is made of rhythm and vibrations and in turn you will resonate with beauty, love and goodness. I will teach you my child, to learn how to read not just a means of survival but to appreciate the act of reading. Reading will take you places and to new frontiers. The more you read, child, the more you will grow. And I will teach you, that the most important thing in this world is not money nor fame, but compassion. I will dedicate my life in teaching you compassion because it will make you strong. All your future decisions are yours to make, but I will provide the necessary tools that you would need to make wise choices. And best of all, know that when you are confused or when you struggle, that I am here and that I will always be proud of what you become because you are love manifested.

Thus in closing, I will patiently wait for you and I will continuously pray that I when you come I am ready to receive you. 

Sincerely, 

Me 

on demons

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

dazed and confused

remind me again why i am doing this? it was not at all as i expected. however, i did learn a lot about myself. i learned that i'm bad at negotiations and i absolutely have no fondness for organizing big events. i also learned that i don't like business and the ulterior motives they always carry.  i am  stressed and unhappy but i will stay til the 14th because of my friends. i believe they need my help and i will do what i can do to help out. in my own little way, i will continue to be loyal to Nee, Sung and LP Burin. God bless their will power.

it's not even May yet

i suffer from a major disappointment or set back today and it's not even May yet. apparently, i do not write well enough to secure myself a good future. i love writing because i can express myself through writing. i can pour my heart freely into these pages.but ironically, writing is breaking my heart right now and i feel devastated. i don't know what to do really. why is it so hard for me to get the things i want? don't i deserve them? are they not the common desires of everybody such as the opportunity to settle down and be stable? i'm not asking for much really. all i'm asking is a good paying job that will help me support my sister in her schooling, my father upon retirement and my causes such as giving to my humanitarian organization of choice. i'm not even asking that my family get back together because that seems more improbable. is that too much to ask for?

Dear Lord, I trust in Your divine plan. Let Your plan be mine as well because without your supreme support, I'm not sure where i will ever find the strength to continue. Amen.

falling slowly

(note to self) i would love to walk down the isle with this song playing in the background. posting so i won't forget when the time comes. :)

underneath the calachuchi tree

i sit pensively underneath a calachuchi tree across the chruch's entrance, waiting for a friend. a while ago, i was inside the afternoon-lit cathedral contemplating on the importance of organized religion.inside,  i realized that organized religion stemmed from the human need to entrust their fates to something greater than themselves because we know how frail we are. and when this frailty, this faith in one's self falters, organized religion serves as a cosmic blueprint, a reminder that we are parts of a whole. yes, collectively, we are parts of a grand plan... so as i sit here underneath one of my most favorite trees, watching people go by, thinking about the sacred and the mundane (like how lovely a park can the jaro cathedral be) time became for a moment, immaterial. i felt like an observer, and even more so when cien, a good friend's daughter, passed by. i didn't call out to her because i was not in the mood for conversation but i did let the memory of her talk to me. i knew her when she was eight years old. now, she's almost 16. it's funny how time speaks to you when you get to observe. yet thinking about time, i feel frustrated that i still haven't learned that i am a human be-ing and that i should let go of the concept that i have to be a human do-ing. that i realized, is my on going battle.

on words

i am by profession, a nurse. however, although i am aware that i have the innate capabilities for nurturing and healing, i am in my heart a lover of the word. it's a wonder how works of shakespeare and austen comfort me and how music lyrics take a hold of me; even spoken words, lingers... i don't know if this is my driving force and i don't know how to make a career out of it. it also seems too late.  but what i do know, is that for me words are precious, and  that the written word have always been my solace.

two liners

i'm stuck! dare me to move?

music

my playlist is killing me. it knows me well.

feeling blue

Lord, direct to me Your will.  Please grant me perseverance and strength as I continue my journey. Dearest Father, I trust in You.

hmm...

one day, some day.

today's sentiments

"Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me, don't turn back now that we're here
People always say life is full of choices 
No one ever mentions fear
or how the road can seem so long
how the world can seem so vast
courage see me through
heart I am trusting you..." 

orasyon

and even though i feel that we are light-years away, i send this prayer to the universe: that i wish you well in everything that you do, and that i got you're back jack, always, when you'll need me.

here we go again

i will embrace you, dear uncertainty , though i am very apprehensive.